It's always been the hardest aspect of doing something for me - getting started. It was always most obvious when it came to sermon writing. I loved the reading, the jotting down ideas, the outlining mentally what I might share based on my reading, praying, and reflecting. But, the actual composing that first line? Well, there was the challenge. It usually took me saying to myself: "Just write something!"
It's not that I haven't been thinking about what's going on in my life and the world in general. It's not even that I haven't written a thing or two. There's certainly been plenty going on in my own life, the lives of people around me, and society in general. The experiences associated with having ALS alone are legion - several PALS (Persons with ALS) have blogs where they carry on a conversation with themself about what's happening to them physically, spiritually, psychologically, and emotionally. A few folks have written books with some of their thinking. I've read a couple and found them interesting and helpful. Me, I email folks, read books on my iPad, stay up with people on Facebook, play some games, listen to music, eat, sleep, go to doctors, take pills, let Dorothy do more and more for me, go to church, visit family, travel, and think.
While ALS consumes my life in many ways, I don't want it to entirely. My hope is to reflect not only on my journey with ALS but also daily living, issues of the day, family, friends, religion, athletics, or anything else that catches my fancy on ny given day. I'm not making a commitment to write daily or weekly you understand, just when I feel moved to do so.
For now, let me simply close with a piece I wrote over a year ago as I was trying to get motivated to start blogging.
"Both Sides of the Bed"
"Reflections During the Journey"
Monday, October 17, 2011
"Write!" "Write!" For a year now I've heard people say it to me. I long ago lost count of the number of folks (family and friends) who've encouraged me to do it - to write. My perception has been that some have wanted me to do so because they want to hear my voice, my thoughts, my reflections (on paper) about life and death from the perspective I now enjoy (er, is my reality). I suspect that some want me to do so because they are curious about how this journey is effecting my faith - my outlook on life. And then, there are probably those who want help for when they have to go through something similar, as we all know we will. And finally, my sense is there are those who want something to hang onto when I am gone.
It has taken some getting used to - this not being able to do, do, do - whenever or whatever I want. I loved doing. I still love doing. That is life to me. Don't read into this an argument for works over against faith, friends. My only battle with those who want to argue about this "which comes first, the chicken or the egg" unanswerable similar scenario some make it out to be is with those who choose faith and don't accompany it with works.
So, I suppose the block from writing I experienced this past year goes back to the very reason I didn't want to preach when I first responded to the call to be a minister (pastor -I now need to note because of my convictions around the concept that all of us are ministers who have said yes to being followers). Besides being a basically shy person and not very comfortable with the idea of speaking to a group of people, I really believed my call was to do rather than to tell others what to do - "to do" was/is "to be" for me, you see.
Over the years I've cringed when conversations took place around me about "being" being more important than "doing." To me, doing was/is being. Oh, again, don't take this as an argument against the spiritual disciplines. I believe it's important, yes, even necessary to spend time in prayer, on retreat, reading the scriptures, communing with the community of faith and nature and thus God. It's just that I understand those disciplines as "doing" right alongside with sharing a meal with a homeless man in a fast-food establishment, standing up for the poor and disenfranchised, arguing with myself when I am uncomfortable around someone of a different race or culture or sexual orientation or neighborhood or politics or professional athletic team loyalty (yes, this one may be the hardest, you Steeler and Yankee fans!).
But, there came that time when I became more comfortable with the roles of preacher, teacher, administrator - when I began to understand/hear the call needing to be carried out in these areas, even by me. And slowly, I became able to accept even these as "doing" and "being" at one and the same time. That is, I accepted that I was "doing" and "being" when I sat in a coffee shop or fast-food restaurant and prepared the sermon for the week - I came to the realization that I was helping others on the journey of "being" and "doing" by honestly struggling with the texts of the week in light of the needs in the world and all around us. My hope became that many more ministry hours were being lived out as a result of my reflections than I was personally doing. Again, it was important that I still did the hands-on ministries, just not alone, and my role in carrying out ministry changed.
And so, it is with that reflection upon my life and ministry that I embark on this new journey of writing in hopes of continuing "to be" and "to do." I don't know how helpful it will be to those of you who read my thoughts and reflections, but my sense is that it will be helpful to me.
And so, here we are a year later and further on the journey. I hope some of you do find it helpful and/or interesting.
Bill (William E. Croy, Jr. / Toots)
