"It's Just Not Fair!"

"It's Not Fair!"

Well, I thought I was going to shoot off several more sermons before I posted anything personal. Then, Tuesday happened!

November is National Caregiver Month - you know, one of the three million special designated days by our consumerist and capitalist society to entice us to part with some of our money so that the economy might thrive. But, since I'm a personal recipient of the  wonderful work performed by a caregiver, my lovely, sensitive, patient, and kind wife, I felt it important that I do or buy something for her to thank her for her caregiving as well as her being my wife.

So, since I can no longer drive myself to stores and am becoming more and more reluctant to shop in mall stores - something I enjoyed doing in the past and wasn't too bad at I might add (don't ask Dorothy though) - I have become an online shopper. I did so almost exclusively last Christmas and probably will do the same this year. Having it dropped off at the house could be a little more challenging this year though.

Anyway, one of our favorite shops in Amish country is Wendell-August, a metalcrafting industry based in Pennsylvania. We have visited the store almost every time we've gone on a trip to the Holmes county area. Like so many retail stores they have an online presence and I am on their email list. I receive two or three notices every week.

I've been tempted on numerous occasions to purchase Dorothy a gift from there - in fact, have a few times. But, the week before last one of those emails came from Wendell-August at the same time I was considering getting something for Dorothy, you know, for National Caregiver Month. The offer was for three Polar Bear themed Christmas tree ornaments - you do all remember we met at Ohio Northern University, mascot Polar Bears, right?

Well, the package was shipped USPS and arrived last Tuesday. I saw the USPS employee drop the package at the front door and ring the bell, but since I couldn't open the door, Dorothy had to. When she brought the box in and looked quizzically at me I told her it was for her and she should open it. She did. I had requested a personal message be included from me thanking her for being a wonderful caregiver and wife. After looking several times we finally located the note.

That's when the tears started to flow that caused me to change my next blog post. First, they formed in Dorothy's eyes as she told me she loved me. Then water formed in my eyes and out of my mouth was uttered that "It's just not fair" lament. It's hard enough for me to speak because of this evil disease, but when crying it's almost impossible for me to get words out or to be understood. We talked through our tears the best we could. The tears were both for the love we share and the destruction of ways of relating to one another, our kids and grandkids, and the world.

I just can't help feeling sorry for myself - for us - once in awhile. I know it's not a lament unique to our situation. I know most people who experience serious illnesses or tragedies feel the same way - that there are lots of circumstances in life that are unfair. I also know that there's no reason I should expect things to work in my favor all the time. I know that I'm no better than the next person when it comes to what has to be faced/experienced in life. When I say "It's just not fair" it's not directed at God and some divine plan. It's really not directed at anything or anyone. I recognize the randomness of life - the luck of the draw - that evil/tragedies/illnesses just happen.

I guess when I lament "It's just not fair" it's because sometimes I need to "Give Wings to Thoughts" - words to feelings - voice to pain. Perhaps it's a form of prayer - a reminding my comforter, God, that I need help dealing with this very real life-changer.